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Criminals at their "Best"

Crime is no laughing matter, except in these cases. Sometime criminals are too stupid for their own good. In fact, you would not need me if all criminals were this clueless.

#1) Charlie Sheen’s Orangutan: This criminal is a Naples native. In Charlie Sheen fashion, he claims to be half orangutan, director of the CIA and half brother to Elvis Presley. Watch the video for more…

#2) Facebook Trouble: Dustin McCombs didn’t appreciate being named ”Creep of the Week” by the Jefferson County (AL) Sheriff’s Office, so he stopped by their Facebook page to give them a piece of his mind. McCombs had a warrant for his arrest. This apparently did not deter him from taunting local authorities on Facebook. After someone at the Sheriff’s Office responded to McCombs’ claim that he was out of the state, some back-and-forth ensued, with family members and friends trying to persuade McCombs to turn himself in. Eventually, realizing that Facebook might not be the best place to discuss the merits of an arrest warrant with a rape suspect, the Sheriff’s Office rep finally told McCombs to shut up. No word on Dustin McCombs’ current whereabouts, but if I had to venture a guess, I’d say he’s probably on Facebook.

#3) Unlucky Irish: Ireland’s dumbest criminal has been named and shamed across the national media – after leaving a photograph of himself outside a house he tried to burgle. Jason Glennon, a 34-year-old drug addict, was apprehended by police after first stealing items from a car then leaving them in a house he broke into. A pink Nokia phone was recovered from the address in the Dublin suburb of Blanchardstown and, upon examination by officers, produced a photo of Glennon which he had taken himself! Glennon had stolen the mobile phone and a rucksack from an unlocked car, just 24 hours after he had been released from prison after serving a sentence for a similar offence. The serial offender then broke into a nearby house only to be confronted by the owner who awoke to find Glennon in his bedroom. The man chased Glennon out of the house with the thief throwing a PlayStation games console at him as he ran away. With the owner in pursuit, Glennon then dropped the rucksack and the mobile phone which were handed over to police. The druggie was arrested a month later after police successfully identified him with the aid of the photo Glennon had taken of himself on the stolen phone.

#4) Brain Dead: In 2008 a burglar broke into a funeral home in Burjassot, a small town, and tried to fool police by playing dead, but two things gave him away. First, he breathed. Second, he wore grungy clothes rather than the Sunday best of those settling in for eternal rest. Neighbors living nearby alerted police when they heard the front door of the business being forced open in the middle of the night. Police officers arrived with the owner and eventually found the suspect lying on a table in a glassed-in chamber used for viewings of deceased people during wakes. The suspect’s name was not released. Police said he had served jail time in the past for robbery.

#5) Explorer Unknown: In 2006 police were patroling the warehouse district when they noticed a door had been forced open. After entering the warehouse, the two police officers were overwhelmed trying to search the rows and rows of shelving and stacked boxes. After thirty minutes searching the darkened warehouse the two officers were ready to give up. As they were waiting for the owner to arrive to lock the door one of the officer’s jokingly called out “Marco!” To his surprise the trespasser called back “Polo!” from inside a crate a few feet away.

#6) Elderly Abuse: Armed only with a screwdriver, a 95-year-old woman in a wheel chair kept a burglar from breaking into her home by repeatedly stabbing his hand. It was 3 a.m. when the elderly woman heard somebody break the glass on her front door. When a hand came inside and tried to unlock the door, she stabbed it. Again and again. The woman would not leave the door for fear the man would break in while she was calling for help. When police arrived, they found the bloody suspect passed out on the front porch with dozens of stab wounds to his lower arms and hands.

#7) Can I See Your ID, Please: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

#8) This is not the Bank you are looking for: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

#9) Return to Sender: Quinton Thomas was spending some quality time in a Maryland prison for armed robbery when he decided to write a special letter to a buddy of his on the outside. He knew that at that particular jail, the guards only screened incoming mail, not outgoing — so he kindly suggested that his friend seek out and kill anybody planning on testifying as witnesses at his upcoming trial. Whether he screwed up his friend’s address or affixed the wrong postage isn’t known, but the letter was sent back return to sender and became incoming mail. The rest of the story is as it should be.

#10) Murder He Wrote: In a bizarre twist on an old classic, Polish writer (and murderer) Krystian Bala was arrested in 2003 when his novel, Amok, became a best-seller. Apparently, police officers who had read the book had realized that a murder portrayed within it bore striking resemblances to an unsolved case that had been on the books since 2000. After some investigating, it turned out that the deceased in the real-life case was involved with Bala’s ex-wife, and the cops closed the deal.

#11) Facebooked (Part 2): Here’s a tip for any would-be criminals out there: If you’re robbing a house, don’t log into any of your social networking profiles on the victim’s computer, and certainly don’t leave yourself logged in. That’s exactly what mega-genius Jonathan G. Parker did when he was robbing a Pennsylvania home last year. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for the cops to get ahold of him.

#12) Knocked Out

This video makes me laugh every time. There is nothing like instant justice, especially when you bring it on yourself!

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